The more things change, the more they stay the same.

So i’ve graduated college.  I’ve been to Europe, and now i’m back home. 

Part of me feels like college never even happened; this feels so normal.  RIght now i’ve just been having fun, hanging out with friends, going to the city, and enjoying myself.  Soon i know that will come to an end when i really need to find a job.  

There is a certain catch 22 i feel about a lot of things.  Like not having a job is nice, i don’t have any place to be at any certain time, and i get to do whatever i want whenever i want.  However, soon the money will run out, and even though i will have all this time, i’ll have no money to do anything fun with my time.  

So as they say, all good things must come to an end.  But for now, i’m going to enjoy my free time, and start looking for a job only when it becomes necessary, or when i get soo bored i’ll need something to do. 

Being home still feels weird not being with Jason.  I miss him so much, and i wish i didn’t.  He was such a jerk at the end, and i feel immature.  We have a mutal friend, one we both had met before we had actually met, and i hung out with her the other night and i didn’t want to ask about him, cause i didn’t know if i could handle it, but he came up and she had run into him at a bar.  She said she asked him about me, but he didn’t want to talk about it…  

I don’t know how that should make me feel, but it makes me mad.  Like i didn’t mean anything to him ever.  People tell me different things though that maybe he knows he was jerk, or maybe it’s still a sore subject for him.  But for me… he is all i talk about it.  I’m like obsessed.  It’s been 4 and half months, and i’m still scratching my head wondering what the hell happened.  I want to move on.. and i have a bit on the physical side, but definitely not emotionally.  He is seriously what i think about most of the time.  I think it would be easier for me to move on if i knew what happened.

Ughhh  i was thinking i wanted to see him, but i don’t think i do now.  I think i am just fooling myself into thinkin if i saw him something would change or be different, but somehow i don’t think it will.  I want to move on, there is just this part of me that won’t let me.  

I am having fun without him.. but i wish i were having fun with him.  Like the 1 and half years we spent together i honestly think were good the majority of the time.  Yes we fought, but i think that means we were passionate.  If you don’t have passion, i don’t think you have anything.  Yes there are other elements to a relationship, but if the fire is gone it’s boring.  I just don’t know what happened.  I know what he told me, but i don’t really buy it.  I mean maybe it is just is issues and what he told me believes… but then i feel like how he is ever going to be in a relationship with anyone.  

Ahh.. i think too much about this.  I need to let it go.  I just need to figure out how…

Gone.. but not forgotten.

I’m going to Europe for two weeks and i leave today! 

I’m excited to go.  I need a vacation.  I mean yea i’ve  been done with school since may 6th soo i’ve pretty much been on a vacation, but i need to get away.  Being home is weird.  I miss Jason still.  I know i wouldn’t just get over it and move on fast, but still i thought by now it would be easier.  I mean i don’t let it show, but on the inside i’m soo sad and miss him so much.  

He is such a jerk though, so i don’t even know why i miss him.  I am better off without someone who is like him.  I hadn’t texted him in two months, and when we both graduated i sent a text saying congratulations and no response.  Like that’s a jerky thing to do.  Like i was being the bigger person and he was just a jerk.  But you know what Karma is a bitch and i hope he gets what is coming to him.  

See, i think this way yet still i want him.  I don’t know why…  I wish i did.  Oh well.  I’m going to be in Europe for two whole weeks, not thinking about him!  When i get home maybe i’ll be able to really deal with this and get over him.  I still have a bit of nervousness in the back of my mind that eventually i’m going to run into him or someone in his family since i’m home… i mean we live like 10 mins from each other and go to similar places.  I feel like it’s inevitable.. and i’m just scared cause i don’t know how i’ll react to it.   But i’ll free from that feeling for two weeks! 

Sooo i’m not going to think about stupid boys, just about Europe! wo0

scared and uncertain

so tomorrow is the big day… graduation. 

i can’t believe it.  i’m starting to feel a bit overwhelmed right about now.  I have so many mixed emotions and i don’t know how to react or what to do with them all.  I’m about ready to cry.  

I haven’t really cried in a while… which is good.  But i’m starting to let everything get to me.  I’m sad to leave my friends and Boston, and to actually be done with school.  I’m sad to leave my apt, i loved this apt.  I’m scared to go home.  God – i miss jason so much it still really hurts.  I try not to let it get the better of me, and lately i haven’t, but i dunno just deep inside me i still miss him so much and love him and want him back.  And i have these fantasies that he would want me back too once i’m home.. but i can’t think like that.  And before i could, but now that i am actually going home i can’t think this way cause i’m only going to be hurting myself when it doesn’t happen.  I know i have two additional weeks away, but once i’m home i really don’t know how i’m going to handle this.. I’m soo scared.  

I think i just need a good cry for right now..

it’s getting closer…

Sunday is graduation.  I’m both incredibly excited, and nervous.  I’m excited to be done.  Like i’ve been going to school for what 16 yrs? It will be nice to not have to go to school, but then again i’ll need to get a job.  Like a job for the rest of my life.  Soo it’s a little scary knowing that i’m not longer in school, and that i’m entering into the real world.  eek!

i’m also still nervous to go home… i think i’m delusional.  I have these fantasies that i’m going to go home and see jason and you know things will be good again.  but i am doubtful of that.  I don’t want to think like this, but i can’t help it.  I really do still miss him so much.  I know it’s been almost 4 months, but i miss him.  I still love him.. i hate him too, but i dunno i just miss having him in my life.  He was my best friend for a year and a half and even though i do have lots and lots of friends, it’s just not that same.  

I’m also excited to go to Europe for two weeks next wed! It should be a lot of fun! I’m going with like one of best best friends soo i’m really looking forward to that.  After that trip though it’s like back to the real world, and looking for a job.  Realizing that i am home… and my hope/dread of running into Jason since we live like 10 mins from each other.. ughhh

A new set of tears

I feel like i’ve been so preoccupied thinking about Jason, and going home, an obsessing about what will happen if i see him or if i don’t, that i almost overlooked the fact that in a week i’ll be a college graduate and moving home for good.  I’m going to be leaving my apt for two years, the friends i’ve lived with, and made so many amazing memories with.  I’ve had such a good time at college and yea i’m happy to be done, but also quite sad to be leaving Boston, and my friends. 

As I have said before i hate change.  I hate goodbyes too.  When i used to come home from a month at sleep away camp i used to cry cause i missed my friends and camp.  Now after living with these girls for 4 years i’m going to be leaving them, and not come back in the fall.  I think at times i don’t really think about it cause going home for the summer, i think it’s really going to hit me in sept when i don’t come back.  

I really am sad about having to start packing up my room, and leaving my friends.  I foresee myself crying on graduation or when i’m leaving.  It’s going to be sad.  I mean we are never going to be together like this again.  Like i’m going to ny, lisa, and diana are going to NY too so we will see each other, but it’s not going to be the same.  I’m going to miss living with Lisa.  We spend so much time together it’s going to be weird to go home, and know we are never coming back.  

I feel dumb for spending so much of my time obsessing over Jason when i need to stop and realize that this is for college.  Goodbye Boston, goodbye friends.  Obviously i know that i’ll be back in Boston one day and that i’l see my friends again, but that fact that things will never be like this again does make me sad.  I’m not saying that life isn’t going to get better.  It’s just hard when one chapter of your life closes and a new one begins.  

Hopefully i’ll handle this all ok, and that this isn’t goodbye forever, but just for a little while.  

When is it not going to be so hard?

i hate the fact that when something happens in my life i still want to tell him about it first.  

i feel like i can’t be completely happy about what happened because i get sad when i realize i can’t tell him… it’s been like almost 6 weeks since i’ve texted him or anything so i wouldn’t want to break my streak.  It’s just so hard cause i still think he cares about me, but he doesn’t.  well if he does he doesn’t feel like showing it lol.  But i still care about him and want to talk to him.  I want to share things with him.  It’s still so hard for me not to.  I just keep wondering when it’s not going to be this hard anymore.  

Done!

ahh i’m done with school!! I have finished college.. all that’s left is to graduate! 

I can’t believe this day has actually came.  I really didn’t think i would ever finish going to school. 

It really is quite scary to think i am done, and now need to get a job and enter into the real world.  

It’s scary, but exciting at the same time

 

AHHHH ALL DONEEEEE!!!!

Is it really better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all?

One of my friends said this to me (it’s better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all) quite soon after Jason and i broke up.  I thought she was just bitter since i don’t think she has ever been in love.  After thinking more about this some more over time… i still don’t know what i think. 

With anything that you have never experienced before you cannot miss it when it’s gone, since you never had it to begin with.  Before Jason i had never been in love before so i didn’t care that i didn’t have it since i didn’t know what it really felt like.  

It’s funny, people say things are indescribable, or there are no words, and you think how can that be, but then you experience it and you know.  So being in love i can say that it was, something i loved.  I loved knowing someone i cared about so much cared about me the exact same way.  That the person i was always thinking about was most likely thinking about me too.  

It was a great experience.. and i’m happy i got to experience it, and hopefully will experience it again in my life.  But now not having it i feel quite lost without it.  I miss it terribly.  I know i have other types of love that i share with my friends and family, but it’s not the same… Now that i know what i am missing makes it even that much harder.  It’s hard to go out and see couples who are happy.  I think that was me at one point.  It’s hard to know that i had something so great and now it’s gone. 

So is it really better to have loved and lost.  I don’t know…  I’m happy to have loved, and been loved, but now that it’s gone it hurts a lot.  

crash and burn

it’s pretty obvious that i struggle with this whole break-up thing like everyday.  The thing is i don’t get why.  I think there are a couple things i don’t get. 

1. i don’t get why we broke up.  It’s been like three months, and i still don’t completely understand why it happened.  I mean i knew we fought, but i honestly didn’t think we were on the road to breaking up.  I dunno, i loved him and the fights we had didn’t really change that for me… i dunno i guess i’m still confused. 

2.  i don’t get why my life like crumbled when it happened.  Yes i loved him, and he was a major part of my life, but i had some many other things.  I don’t get why like my life seemed to like crumble before.  I spent like a month crying, and not eating cause i didn’t even have an appetite.  I didn’t do my school work for some classes when it could be avoided, and i sat in some classes and just cried.  I texted him for far too long without receiving any sort of response.. i don’t know why i was holding on so long.  I had friends from home who i talked to a often, and even though couldn’t be there for me in person were there for me in other ways.  I also had friends here who were there for me, and roommates who were there for me.  And of course my family was there for me.  I called my dad crying i dunno how many times.  I had all these people in my life.  I had other good things going on in my life as well.. so i don’t get why this completely crushed me.  

I wish i could have been stronger.  I wish i didn’t let it get to me so much.  I wish i still didn’t let it get to me.  I still think about him everyday.  I still wonder what he is doing.  I think about when i’m home if i’m going to run into him somewhere, and what is going to happen if i see him.  

I know they say everything happens for a reason, and i believe that, but i’m still looking for my reason…

why do i still miss him so much :’(