I can’t help in a sense feel hypocritical. I can hook up with someone else, but then later on i still miss jason. I feel like it’s unfair to do that. Like how i can be making out with someone else if i still have feelings for Jason? I guess it’s because i know it’s over, and need to move on. I want to have fun. I want to be able to go out with my friends and have a good time.
Last night i did go out and have a good time. I actually was not thinking about Jason. I met a cute guy, and we made out, and it was probably the first time i’ve made out with someone and was not immediately comparing it to Jason. Afterwards of course i did, but for the moment i was having fun. It’s just that after the moment is gone and i’m back home i still miss and long for Jason. I don’t want to. I know it’s not an easy process getting over someone, but i wish it were. A part of me wishes i hated Jason. Cause in the back of my mind i’m still hoping he is going to call me or i’m going to run into him and he is going to realize he made a terrible mistake and want me back. Then there is the other part of me that wishes for that to happen, but for me to be secure enough to not get back with him. He broke my heart. How do you get back with someone who does that to you. Why on earth should i want to? I don’t know, but a part of me still wants to be with him. I feel like everyday i play this tug of war game with myself and my delusions. I have little fantasies playing out in my head of us getting back together, but deep down i don’t know if that’s what i truly want anymore. I definitely feel for us to be together again he would be the one who needs to change, and get past his insecurities…there we go again, why do i want to be with someone like this? I don’t know, you can’t help who you love? Also we did have so much fun together. It definitely wasn’t all bad. He was sweet and caring, but there were things about him that weren’t so great. I know that’s what i need to focus on, but it’s hard not to remember the good stuff and miss that too.
Yea so for a while it’s pretty safe to assume i’m going to be going back and forth on what i want. But it’s been getting a little easier to deal with. I want to enjoy my last semester in Boston, at school with my friends! That’s what i want for now. Jason would have been nice to have too, but i’m gonna try to not think about him at least until i’m done with school and back in NY. The key word here is try.
