i’m not alone, just lonely all the time.

I have so many friends, and i love them, but i can’t help but still missing Jason.  Sometimes i wonder if i will ever not miss him. I feel like if i had someone else i wouldn’t, but i dunno… 

I hate things that remind me of him, and make me cry.  I’m so sick of crying.  I don’t do it too often anymore, but there are some things i’ll see that will just remind me of him, and us, and i can’t help the waterworks.  

I’m really scared of going home.  I know i shouldn’t be, but it’s just that we are so close when i’m home, and not being able to see him or talk to him is hard.  Last time i was home it was hard.  I’ve gotten better at not being too upset, but it still hurts.  I still cried when we passed by his house, and when i was on the train.  We just have so many memories together it’s hard to push them all completely out of my mind.  I’m scared i’m going to run into him or his family at home, and i don’t know how i’m going to react.  That’s the part that scares me.  I don’t want to run into his family or him and just start crying.  It will be like 4 months, i should be able to live my life without crying all the time.   Ughhh… i don’t think i thought we’d be together forever, but i didn’t know how i’d feel when we broke up.  I don’t tihnk i was prepared, and i still don’t know how to handle it.  

I wish i did.  i wish i knew a lot of things.  I wish i could stop caring so much.  Like to be honest i feel my life is so close to being perfect, and i can’t completely enjoy because i still am thinking about him.  I’m graduating in less than a month.  I’m going to Europe for 2 weeks right after that.  I have amazing friends who i’m going to be doing fun things with here in Boston over hte next 3 weeks.  I’m going to be going home to some amazing friends and family who all love me.  I might have a job offer.  Like i want to be soo happy… but i still can’t be completely happy since i don’t have him.  I don’t know what i want him so badly.  He was nice, but at the end he wasn’t, and i should be happy to be free of him.  I should be happy that i get to go out and have a fun time and not worry that omg i need to text jason or if i don’t have service here he’ll get mad at me.  Or that he doesn’t trust me, when he had no reason not to trust me.  I should be happy to be rid of him.. but i’m not.  

I know it takes time.. that’s what everyone says, but i can’t force myself to get over it. If i could i would.  I don’t want to be sad anymore.. and i don’t want this feeling of loneliness.  I have so many good people in my life… i shouldn’t need him.