i hate when it rains. i think it makes me more depressed. I know lately i’ve been doing well with everything, but i think with the end of the semester approaching, and me leaving boston, and going home for good, it’s all starting to get to me and right now all i want to do is cry.
I want to cry because i miss Jason. Even though its been like 3 months, and i should be getting over this i still miss him so much everyday. He was my best friend, and not having that person who you talked to everyday, and could share every detail of your life is hard. I know i have my other friends who will talk to me and listen to me, but it’s just not the same.
I also want to cry because i’m sad to leave boston. I’m going to miss living in my apt, with my friends. I’m going to miss being here and being independent. I feel like being here i gained so much independence, and i’m such a different person now than when i started school 4 years ago. I can’t believe how fast it went by. So many amazing times, and memories, so yea i’m going to miss that.
I’m scared because i don’t have a job. I’m so used to having a plan. I feel like i always need a plan, and right now i have no job, no boyfriend, no place of my own (i’m going back home), and i just feel so lost. I want to have a plan. Maybe it will be good for me not to.
I’ve also decided that i am absolutely terrified of running into Jason when i’m back home for good. I don’t want to be, but i am. I know i still love him and want to be with him, and it will be hard to see him somewhere. I just know that if i see him or his family i’m just going to start crying and i’ll just feel dumb and embarrassed. Lately i feel that’s all i can think about, and i feel like my brain just can’t shut off. Last night i could sleep. I just couldn’t stop thinking about him. I don’t want to think about him anymore, i really don’t.
I need to be strong. I need to move on. I need to stop thinking about him. I need to get back to my life, and figure out who i am, what i want, and what i need to do with myself. Life has kept going, and i need to keep moving with it. So i might not have Jason in my life anymore, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have other really good things in my life… i just need to keep reminding myself this.
